Special Delivery

"Don't call me Lawrence," a voice, Larry's voice. Or in this case, Lawrence's voice. It's played over color bars. A picture is in the middle. It's a man, 'Bertrum' is captioned below in scrolling letters. Bertrum looks to be quite frightened.

"There's nothing to worry about, Chuck," Lawrence says in a confident voice. A grainy picture comes forth; Lawrence is leading Chuck the cameraman down a short and dark passageway. "Bertrum is perfectly harmless. He always appreciates visitors and is welcoming of new ones," Lawrence says cheerfully. He seems to be cheerful as well. Lawrence's tail whips about and there is a certain whinee in his voice. They come to a locked door. 'Bertrum' it's marked. Lawrcence first puts an ear tothe door.

"We're here at the doorway to Bertrum's habitat," Lawrence whispers, while Chuck zooms in on Lawrence standing in front of Bertrum's nameplate. "He seems to be sleeping," Lawrence continues, "Bertrum's a bit of a snorer. Let's wake him up!" Lawrence pounds on the door, hoof and metal clanging together. just over their ringing ears, a low moan is heard. it then becomes a howl as Lawrence continues to pound.

Chuck immediately lowers his camera. "I don't want to go in there, Larry. I really don't."

Fear. It was an understandable emotion in this situation. Bertrum was the first hume in the facility. There were others, yes, but none as old as he. Most people, Chuck included, had only seen baby humes like Garth and Lydia. They'd seen the infantile side of humes; sweet and oh-so-cuddly. This was different. This was Bertrum, a full-grown adult male. And he was angry. Lawrence mentally noted his thought for dialogue, looking to Chuck.

"Chuck, I served with your father, Mr. Zebra in Vietnam-"

"What?" Chuck interrupted. "My father was never in Vietnam."

"That doesn't matter Chuck. What matters is that your father served his country with a fearlessness that not only should you be proud of, but should try to channel here!"

"I guess... I don't want Bertrum anywhere near me. Minimum wage isn't that great when you hear that howl, knowing you've got a wife and kids back home." For further effect, Chuck pulls a family picture from his wallet. In it, he's shown ahppily frolicking about with an elephant and their elebra children. Lawrence smiled, but Chuck could tell there was something else.

"It's not wrong to love an elephant, Larry. There's nothing illegal about it. Look, let's just be professionals here. Bertrum's our story, let's stick to it."

"You're right, Chuck. I'm incredibly sorry. We're going to shoot some dialogue here after we shoot our visit with Bertrum. Is that allright?" Chuck hefted his camera, giving a thumbs up. Lawrence closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath, inhale, exhale.

"Hello Bertrum! How's our man today?"

Knowing full well of Bertrum's tantrums, Lawrence dodged the projectile poo that was flung. It hit Chuck's camera with such ferocity that it carrened several feet behind him, smashed into a million bits.

"That's it! I'm out of here!" chuck said, stomping off.

Lawrence chuckled a bit. "Poor Chuck. He's had a terrible day Bertrum, don't you know? what about yourself? We'll certainly have to give you more ruffage."

Bertrum howled at this. "I don't want ruffage! i want out of this place! I want some decent clothes! I want to go home!!"

"Silly hume!" Lawrence laughed. "Your shenanigans are for kids! Firstly, you can't get out of here, it's hume proof. Secondly, animals don't wear clothes. Lastly, you can't go home. i bulldozed your home terrritory, making four high-rise office buildings, two domed stadiums, six mega-malls and enough parking to give Mother Nature what for!!" Lawrnce is interrupted in the middle of his tirade when his cell phone rings. He goes completely pale.

"The producer never told me this was supposed to be a live program..."

"Silly unicorn! Ruffage my ass!!" Bertrum scowled, picking up a cheese round previously dumped in the habitat.

"Don't eat me bro!!" it screamed. Lawrence stood there amidst Bertrum's howling until a zookeeper came in and administered sedatives.